clearance of the dirty mind

relieved?
hell YES i am!
because my senses are actually making some sense now.
Head's cleared of evil dark thoughts,
and now I'm just looking for the sunny side.

i developed a new way of thinking:
to NOT be afraid losing chances
eventhough it only comes once in a lifetime.
I guess I'm now a believer in the "everything is predestined" theory,
if it's meant to be, it's meant to be,
doesn't matter how, doesn't matter when,
you'll get it if it's for you
distance and time don't mean a thing.
if it's not, it just won't work no matter how hard you try.
You don't need to put efforts in destiny,
it will come to you eventually.
if it doesn't,
then maybe it's gonna come in your next life.
don't sweat the small things,
or you won't fully enjoy it.
life's ingredients are made up of many things.
You don't live with just one of them.
If one's lost, you won't die.
You still have the whole world to make up for that one lost ingredient.
Sometimes you hope for things,
and you don't get them.
It's okay,
better stuff will appear.

another thing,

don't change for somebody else.
change for yourself,
and make somebody else change for you.

;)

a little faith

There’s too much holes in the road that I'm trying to follow.
I don’t want to fall and get hurt.

I've played with fire before,
and indeed I got burnt.
Do I have to slow dance again,
in that burning room??

Only "No" seems to be right.
I don't want to catch fire,
with bare hands.

But...

a part of me still yearns,
for a similar slow, slow,
slow dance.

I learned that too much thinking can do you damage.
So from now on I’ll just go with the flow,
and see where the current brings me.
Wherever it would be,
I’m going to keep in mind,
that that’s the place God has destined for me,
and it’s the best place I’ll ever be,
if I make the most of it.

And if it’s not meant to be,
it’s just not.

I won’t sweat all over it.

I'm less restrained,
I'm more relaxed,
Now,
My head is clear,.

yeah,
Sure.

I keep telling myself that,
just to be logical.

I wish logic isn't such a big deal.
Because I feel stupid,
free falling for his ridiculous appeal.

No matter how hard I try,
I can't evade,
the desire and attraction,
to always put him on mind.

Maybe this feeling will change.
Maybe time will mold it for somebody else.
Maybe, maybe, no certainty.

In the mean time,
I'll just pretend that I'm blind,
and that I know the way,
to another sunny day.

And maybe,
maybe again,

everything will turn out fine. :))

the great mother nature :))

Lately, nature never ceases to amaze me. From underwater to the highest point in San Francisco, my fascination to God’s great creations is never diminished. The ones I love most recently are places where I can feel the wind in my face; for a moment it wiped away all my worries.

Some of my favorite getaways are: Ocean Beach, Baker Beach, Hidden Lakes park, Twin Peaks, Pier 39, Treasure Island, the Zoo and the most recent, Sausalito : ) )

I used to love Treasure Island more than anything, but now, I’m totally infatuated by Twin Peaks and Sausalito! I could just waste one windy day in Twin Peaks and go nowhere else. I love it there!! It’s a great place to ponder and daydream; to just slip away from reality for a while. It feels like you’re on top of the lives of people that are revolving below you. And time suddenly seems to pass much slower as you watch those lives in silence, because when you’re in static, you seem to have all the time in the world.

I wish it was sunrise every time I go there. The sunrise in Twin Peaks is an amazing sight to behold. It’s better than any photographs and pictures on postcards. The crisp colors that adorn the sky are breathtaking. You'll watch in awe as the sky gradually changes color as the light of the sun begins to spread. You’ll feel that something inexplicable, a passionate feeling or a strong notion, rises inside you along with the sun. And you’ll face that day with that brand new feeling. And suddenly everything that happened that day just seems a little better.

Sausalito is something else. It’s a display of a small portion of our great ocean. At day you can see the blue waters glisten and the green hills adorned with an array of picturesque houses clearly. You’ll see boats cruising and people having the time of their life. There’s also a small dock loaded with private yachts to tote up the already magnificent view. The road on the hills slightly above the Sausalito Boulevard is also a great spot to take in this mind blowing manifestation of nature. I wonder how sunset would be like from that place. Must be adorable!! I've only been there once, but I just couldn't take my mind off the place. I want to go there again so badly.

*Sigh

I just love San Francisco..
I just love the great outdoors :))

lovestar

alone i gaze out at the skys
and there’s two stars like your eyes
i think back to the days when you were mine
everything was perfect in that moment of time
i feel like nothing can take me back
to the days when nothing was in wack
you were everything to me
and now your gone how could this be
you were an angel sent from above
sent down for me to love
i remember when we were together
i thought it would last forever
i dont wanna see you leave
so cant you just stay please
i dont wanna live this life without you
because i can only think about you
when i was with you everything was right
losing was my fright
now that you left
nothing is for the best
i feel like that was my last chance
never again will i dance
i cry to bring you here
without you i fear
i fear the emotions i keep bottled up
all i wanna do is put them in a cup
to send them away
to ruin someone else’s day
on my parade it wont stop pouring
all my emotions are soaring
up and above to a different place
with a different face
to where no one can trace
where my emotions cant be chased
back in reality i cant make you mine
or get this life back in line
to me you were something more
than just a shell on the shore
more than just a star in the sky
you had a sparkle in your eye
you were more than a fish in the sea
cant you see?
you had something no one else had
just to hold you once i should be glad
for a while my dreams came true
there’s nothing else i can do
but sit and watch you fall in love with someone new

for what i am..

dried my tears,,wiped my nose,,looked at d mirror n roll d thoughts,,made up my mind,,take one deep breath,,then relieved all motions,,and cry inside…
time moving in reverse,,and i fathomed the moments,,, when my mother used to hold my hands,,and escorted me to who i am,,,
felt guilty,, and so sorry,,mother forgive me,,for what i am

Lullaby of the Violin

Play me again the violin,
Every night before sleep.
Hear me the tunes that lit my conscience,
And deprived my right from wrong.
A melody unusual but sweetly bind,
Which escorted me to a dream so fine.
Each string you scraped doused every pain,
Eased my mind and dried the rain.
So play me again the violin,
That gives me warmth in chilly nights.
It lets me find peace for a while,
And adorns my sadness with a smile.
* there’s something in the way your music play *

my perfection

i dont dress up like barbie, i dont go for high heels, i dont check on my hair every minute, i literally dont wear make up, i hate tight skirts, i dont wear uncomfortable dresses that looks good on me, i dont go to clubs and i dont shop a hell lot, i seldom go to the hairdresser, i bite my nails, i dont cry for boys, i dont talk like most girls, i dont walk like most girls, i dont even act like most girls.
i'm not perfect.

but when..
no matter what’ll happen,
one out of ten zillion lives still wants to be with me.
when..
someone hopes for me.
Someone prays for me before they go to sleep.
Someone thinks about me when they feel down and they feel better. someone doesnt want me to ignore.
Someone is always there to provide me with supports.
someone, no matter what the circumstances are, can always look at my eyes and say
"i’d rather die for you than live for anyone else. at least the reason i die is better than the reason i live".

And when that time comes, I will be perfect.

a lesson from love

Close my eyes, and my soul is gone…
The subtle images claered it’s path.
Reached a place somewhere in the past,
and will always be memorized.
A lustrous side of a common love,
gnawing my conscience, little by little.
Turn the thoughts all around.
I’m high.
As if in a trance.
But then,
The fineness gone and comes the sore.
Aching and burning and embezzling.
God help me I’m suffering.
I take my pain with a sincere smile.
A corteous glance and gratitude.
Thank you for letting me learn,
a lesson of life I’ve always yearned…

my veryy first poem :))

“I just wanna be a part of you;
a half or a quarter;
it doesnt matter;
what’s important is that i get close to you…”

"simple things can make something new,
like me and you,
together in two;
we wil try to reach the sun at day
and ride the moon at night.."

a thought.

sometimes loving needs no showing
just a feeling inside the heart.
by little things u know that im watching
but sometimes little are just too small
sometimes missing need so much patience
and people are often impatient.
only a love as great as mine,
can bear this never ending yearning
because of you i surrender
because of you i stay strong
all this are always kept inside
coz i know some love needs no showing

a mother's journey to Eden

its funny sometimes how you think about life, especially when you were young. when you’re still in primary school, you think it’s an easy journey, without barriers or obstacles of any kind. you think that everything’s gonna be okay because you believe your mom can fix anything and everybody likes you and they never say bad things about you. and you look up to celebrities, you worship them and you have dreams and high hopes on becoming them. you look in the mirror and you see a princess, your daddy always says that you are a princess, and he always call you that when he’s talking to his friends, you’re always happy with your reflection. you think you look amazing. you get good grades at school, the teachers love you and you have many friends.

as you grow older, around your junior and senior years, you’ll meet a few people who start to dislike you, and you’ll meet a few people that you dislike. you’ll have problem with pimples all over your face, you’ll start to have feeling for the opposite sex, or in some cases, the same sex. suddenly some people criticize you for you appearance. you hate your own reflection, and you start to realize that your body have so many flaws. youre nose is too big, you’re too fat, you have small breasts, you have a big ass, you’re too short, etc. you start having arguments with your parents, about small things like allowance to big problems like your boyfriend. you start to learn that the world is cruel and cold. in this time of your life, you’re struggling hard to find your identity, you’ll feel lonely at times. and daddy doesn’t call you a princess anymore, because you told him to stop cause your friends think it’s ridiculous. and for the first time, mommy’s hugs won’t help. and you hate fairy tales, you envy their happy endings.

as you go to college and start to work, you’ll see the world with both eyes open. you’ll see the different problems different people have. you start to learn how to survive, you become more mature and independent, and you start to gain confidence. you become more serious in your work, you communicate as adults with your parents and you start to seek a serious relationship, not just a crush, but true love. you start thinking about marriage and you start planning your future. you’ll have more realistic dreams, you’ll have a realistic goal. unlike your younger days, when you want to be cinderella, now, you just want to get a promotion, or finish college. you aim lower, you become more concerned and careful in making decisions. you become wiser, and you’ll start to accept yourself with your flaws and all. you become a true adult.

as your age gets older, you’ll lose your youth physically. you’ll have worse eye-vision, you start to get forgetful in your old days. you’ll have grandchildren and retire from your work. you become less interested in the world, you get bored easily, you become tired and you just want to relax. you’ll love to sleep and just sit on your porch, watching the nature revolve. you’ll stop your diet and be less concerned about your looks, you start to eat healthy food so your diabetes wont relapse . you’re bold and you’ll miss your children so badly because now they have their own family to take care of. but you’re proud of yourself, because you have succeed in building your own empire, your own family, and you have marked your existance in the world since your fist child was born. you are proud because you succeeded on becoming five different women at one lifetime, a wife, a daughter, a grandchild, a grandmother, and most importantly, a mother. your job is done. and sometimes, you find yourself just waiting for death.

and today, today you’ll know something new is about to happen. you sensed it and you know you can’t be wrong. as you lay your head on your pillow and close your eyes, you see your husband and another man beside him. you’re not afraid, you wont open your eyes, you dont want to, because you know your time is up. the man beside your husband stretched out his hand, you reach for it and you feel safe, the greatest joy in your life. you smile… but your children cry, like you used to long ago, when your mommy died.

about YOU GUYS.

It’s not the money,
not the clothes.
No, not the make up,
the bags or the coats.

It’s not the houses,
it’s not what they ride.
It’s their genuine presence,
they’re ALWAYS by my side.

We only play DARE,
cause we already know the TRUTH.
And we dont need to swear,
our faith in each other is huge.

We share our dirty little secrets,
and leave nobody behind.
Sometimes we fight till it hurts,
but we always end up fine.

They sometimes pest,
and act like a bitch.
But they’re better than boyfriends,
cause they won’t ditch.

Not important to some,
but mean the whole world to me,
they’re my BELOVED FRIENDS,
my other family.

You may have beauty that’s flawless,
you may be rich.
But i have life’s invaluable bonus,
that can’t be switched.


By ANTONIA ESTELITA.

movies.and.american-idol

gerardd butler..3 words to describe this leading man in p.s i love you: fi-ne scottish butt ;)). absolutely stunning abs in 300,, he seems to have a good sense of humour AND he can SING.. guys that get along with music get along with me :)) i adoree musicians. like gerry from p.s i love you. i adore him, the character. gerry.. such a sweet guy!! and his way of showing his love to his wife, holly (hilary swank), is just amazingly touching and heart-warming. i think gerard is the perfect cast for gerry despite what the critics say. i love the movie.. it moved my sentimental side X)

I wanna watch jumper,, my friends say it's great. I've watched the trailer, and i like the idea of the character,, someone who can jump anywhere he wants to. It's like teleporting actually, but they name it jumping, which i think is clever. The term teleporting has been used too frequently in action-fiction movies, so naming it "jumping" would be more attractive. I'm eager to watch hayden christensen there, everyone says he looks amazing. rachel bilson is one lucky girl! damn.

american idol's 08' guys rock! i think this season's contestants are way better than the last. although no one can beatbox as good as blake,, they have really good vocals. most of them are handsome too :)). michael johns scores in hotness,,a million points goes to him for setting the stage on fire. he's manly, and i like that. he's sexy and yes, i agree with simon,, he has a natural charisma of a lead singer. The babyfaced David Archuleta also shoot stars, he's by far the cutest, the sweetest, the most innocent-looking performer. I like his adolescence that mix with his childlike quality. He has a pure personality which we rarely see in teenagers nowadays. He has good vocals and performs well :)) And there's another contestant, the diva of the show, they claimed, Danny Noriega,,, he's funny in some way,, it's fun to watch him snap at simon with his girly and gay-ish style,, he's kinda tranny IMO. that's why he's fun to watch although his performance wasn't really good,, he kinda killed the elvis song. his style doesn't suit elvis' image, which is a very MANLY rocker. but he's something to enjoy.

the girls will perform tomorrow night, i hope they'll do well :)) i hope this season's american idol produces great, memorable and lasting talents like Kelly Clarkson, Chris Daughtry or Jennifer Hudson. Not another come-and-go artist like Clay Aiken etc.

huhh.. another try outch tomorrow,, english and chemistry >< haven't learned anything. it's too late already,, i better go sleep so i can wake up on time tomorrow!

yawnn *0*
~antonia

beloved.country

today i went to puri and saw "Xtra Large", a movie starring jamie aditya, dewi sandra and sarah sechan. It's an indonesian movie, and hell funny! the film industry in indonesia are sure developing rapidly. in these last years it produced some great movies, like nagabonar2, otomatis romantis, xtra large, realita cinta n rock'n'roll, quickie express, my heart, etc. some of them are even better than hollywood movies,, like nagabonar 2!! haven't seen it, but i definitely WILL and coming from my friends, the movie is greattttt...!

the music industry has developed much too. great new songs are coming out,, new singers emerge from nowhere, and some of them are actually good. gita gutawa, for example, she represented and had won the international music festival in Egypt. more and more indonesians are making this country appreciable internationally and raise it's reputation. in the sports section we have taufik hidayat, the hero of badminton, he had won several prestigious badminton championships such as thomas cup and the sudirman cup.

i realize now, that indonesia really has the potential to become one of the most leading countries. great natural resources, good human resources, but unfortunately, too great corruption,,and a terribly poor government.

can we grow? yes we can. the real question is: will the growth produce a good product or a defected product?
well, i can only hope for the best for my hometown :)

yawn *o*
~antonia

late.night.delirium.

argghhh...3:22 AM and still wide awake!! i didn't even drink any coffee><... my face is covered with acne lotion... i hatee my pimples... :(( yesterday was chinese new year,, went to the usual place,my mpekong's house at blandongann..huaahh..the road was hell crowdedd.. took us 2 hrs to get there! i didn't get that much angpaoo.. but i'm happy this year's cny gathered more family than last year's :D

cant sleep..really people, this late night sleeping habit is turning into a disease! hmm is it maybe because i have too much stuff on my mind?? that must be it. i'm really fed up.. huahh... i'm so bored with life here. exams and UAN are coming soon.. i'll be studying like crazyy for the UAN,,i have to cover the wholee SMU syllabus,,imagine that! damn the government. especially the education department for putting up 6 subjects for UAN instead of 3. HELLO?? students nowadays are no einsteins!! especially students in indonesia! wtf have we done to you that you guys really want to fail us, huh?

oh that reminds me, monday i have to do a physics test! if it weren't for the stupid indosiar show i wouldn't have to be absent. would have been able to do the test with my friends and the best part is i COULD HAVE cheated! now i have to do the test alone,, in the teachers' room..noone to ask for answers.. good thing my friend jotted down the answers,, i hope sir joko doesn't change the questionss..huahh.. dont blame me if i cheat too much..too much to learn at school mannnn :P

speaking about school makes me miss olevell... i miss the basketball dayss..! i miss when we were still young, not having to care about university, about the future. i miss when i only had to think about tomorrow and tomorrow only. ahhh childhood and teenage dayss.. i haven't left them yet but i'm missing them already. nothing compares to those silly momentss, a wonderful memory indeed :). now everythingg changes. irrespective of the amount of changes, i feel that it really affects my behaviour. i can feel the smallest changes, i can feel when it affects me,, and i feel uncomfortable with them.. well maybe because they're not the common things, they're something we don't know, something new. everyone is afraid to strangers at first, right??

the changes i feel the most is the ones that happen to my friends. and the friendship i have with them. i don't know what is changing exactly, but i can feel something is definitely not in place. and something is going on inside my head, the way i see things and the way i think, my emotions, they're all changing too. huahh i wish it wont end up tragic. changes are made if it's for the better right?? well, i would change for the better,, but how would i know beforehand whether it would lead to the better??? this way i won't have the courage to make a change, will i? ahh i guess not, i won't have the courage to transform.

but changes must happen. and it's sad in some sentimental way :(

changes changes changes.. well my mood is undergoing one right now. i feel rather sleepy.. no wonder,, it's 4:11AM!!! i'm outta here and going to bed,,

yawnn... *0*

~antonia